Studies show that most people want to continue living independently despite health problems or age-related issues. As a professional geriatric care manager, I often work with children of aging parents to assist them with navigating the often-overwhelming issues of caring for their aging parents. I am a baby boomer myself with a busy life, and when my mother fell and broke her femur and her hip, she went from being completely independent to completely dependent. She could no longer drive, go to the bathroom by herself, cook her own meals, no longer control her world based on her vivacious past. It was devastating.
My family and I came to conclusions much too quickly that this was the end of independent living for my mom. So, we had to figure out how to begin to have a conversation with my mother, who has always been a staunchly independent person, about her changed condition. Such conversations can be difficult; however, there are some ways to approach the subject that can help make the discussion go more smoothly.
First, I found that sharing my own emotions about her changing situation and encouraging her response was important to let her know that we cared and wanted the best for her. It’s tempting for children of aging parents to want to take complete control based on their judgment of the situation. While each situation is unique, unless your parent is unable to communicate due to health changes, let your parent draw their own conclusions and make choices. Asking them what they think should be done rather than telling them what you think is much more constructive and opens the door to further discussion if things don’t go well in the first conversation you have.
Second, when you begin discussing change with an aging parent, even your best attempts may backfire. Therefore, it’s important to let go of any expected outcomes and go into the experience as an exploratory one. Be prepared to settle on your parent’s choice even if you don’t agree. Unless there is an immediate risk to your parent’s health or safety and/or sufficient cognitive impairment that disables your parent’s ability for sound judgement, he or she has a right to make a decision. Sometimes, we just need to let go of our desire to control the outcome. Often, change happens sooner or later depending on life’s circumstances. If it looks like your parent is opting for change to happen later, know that you can continue to bring up change-related options every once in a while as a way of checking in with them.
Thank you for sharing this very personal story. It helps the public see professional geriatric care managers as human beings when we share our feelings and experiences in dealing with our own parents.
- Tim